True Love Never Really Leaves
by ooncer
Summary: Regina is dead. Emma is a lost girl again. As she tries to move on, she reflects back on their life together - the many years they shared and the many more they should've. But one final message from her beloved Queen makes her realize that Regina has always been with her and she always will be because True Love never really leaves. SwanQueen. Cover made by the fab FaerieTales4ever.
1. Chapter 1

**A.N: Thank you so much for stopping by! Ginormous thank you to FaerieTales4ever for being my title and summary saviour, beta and all-round wonderful person. :)**

**I don't own Once or any characters. If I did, we would have a new episode every day!**

* * *

My heart feels like it's dropped down into my stomach. A strange ringing is making it impossible to hear anything else and my throat is so drained of moisture that I can't even gasp. It's not until I realise my nails are digging into my tightly clamped palms that I see everyone is looking at me. Gone. I know exactly what that means. Why don't they just say 'dead' so everyone is on the same page? I'm looking at Ruby, searching for her eyes to be the wrong colour or her top to be one I don't recognise - just something to prove this is all a dream. She's staring intently into my eyes but I don't have anything to give her. I know what they mean in the movies when they talk about feeling numb. There's nothing. No sound, no feeling. Just, nothing. 'We'll give you some time,' murmurs one of the doctors and they shuffle off. All in a day's work for them. Someone is squeezing my hand but I can't squeeze back. I can't move. My hands and feet are lead and my eyelids are closing until all I can hear is my name being called as the world turns black.

When I wake up I'm lying on a couch in a room I don't know. 'Hi,' whispers Ruby. I can see she's been crying, her eyes are puffy and her cheeks are damp. She lets go of my hand as I slowly sit up and my knee twinges. I must have fallen awkwardly on it. When she speaks again it's with an air of caution, as if I'm a fragile object she doesn't want to break. 'Are you alright?' I nod. 'They said you can go and see her. You know, if you want to.' The only thing I want to do is go back in time. Back to yesterday, to work, to the squashy chairs in our living room, to normal boring everyday life. 'Emma?' I rub my face with my hands and nod again.

She looks fine. Not pale and gaunt like on TV, she just looks like she's sleeping. In fact, she looks perfect. Her hair frames her face beautifully and she's wearing the plaid shirt I love. She's even more tanned than usual from working in the sun on the new garden but I can still see the paler marks left from the arms of her sunglasses. It truly looks as if she'll open her eyes any second and I'm willing it with all my heart but when I look back at Ruby, whose breathing is heavy with emotion, I know it's in vain. I don't speak, I can't. Not when the love of my life is lying on this table. I take her hand and wrap my fingers through hers, my other hand tracing the wedding ring on her finger. I'm remembering the nervous shake of my voice when I, Emma Swan took Regina Mills to be my lawfully wedded wife. Never removed since the day I put it there, this ring is the symbol that was supposed to keep us together forever.

I don't want to leave, I want to build a wall around this room and stay here but an hour later I'm in Ruby's car which smells like fried food and cinnamon. I can tell she doesn't know whether to speak to me or stay silent so I break the silence with a question I've been hesitating to ask. 'Can you stay, tonight?'

Henry's in New York with Neal. I can't be there alone. 'Course,' she says, staring straight ahead. I'm looking out of the window, watching raindrops beat down onto the ground and then jump up like little insects. People are hunching under umbrellas and holding newspapers above their heads as they dart inside. Suddenly I have to be out there. 'I need to get out,' I say and my voice sounds more urgent than I mean it to. We pull in to a side road and stop. I can't explain it, it's like I need to get out of this car and into the rain just so I can breathe. I yank the handle and explode through the door into the downpour. Ruby follows but stays a few feet behind as I stand there, looking up into the blackening clouds with both hands on my head wondering what on earth I'm going to do. Then the tears come. Two arms envelop me and we sink to the ground, rain pounding, bodies wracking as we sob for who we've lost and what has ended.

When we get home I have to be the one to open the door. I have to be the one to turn on the lights. I flick on the kettle even though I'm not thirsty, just in case her last touch is still lingering. She's left a tin of gloss and a paintbrush on the counter with a note that says Don't touch the door frames! My fingers touch the words and I force my brain not to think about her standing where I am, writing them. I don't want to sleep but Ruby looks tired so I drag my damp, heavy limbs upstairs. We're silent as I pull on a dry tank top and yoga pants and climb into Regina's side of the bed. The pillow smells of her - her shampoo and her perfume and the smell of, well, Regina. I bury my face in it so hard I can barely breathe and even when I think there can be no tears left in my body, some are finding their way out. I hear Ruby getting off the chair and feel her lying onto the other side of the bed before she wraps her arms around me and holds me tightly, stroking my hair until I somehow manage to fall asleep.

There's a second where I don't remember. The sun is up and streaming through the makeshift curtains. It's like any other day except when my brain finally kicks into gear and then stops. It's like she's just died again. I need to be sick. Stumbling into the bathroom, I'm soon joined by Ruby who asks if she can do anything. I shout that no, she can't and nobody can so there's no point in asking. I want her to shout back, to tell me she was only trying to help and I don't need to be such a bitch but she doesn't. I suppose nobody will anymore. I brush my teeth and get back into the bed. I try not to think about yesterday but my mind is drawn back as if by a magnet. I want to remember her splattering paint all over me and singing Journey at the top of her lungs. I want to believe in my heart that she's going to walk through the door and hang her keys on my hook because she knows it annoys me. I would forgive everything. Every time she left the Mercedes running on empty, every little comment when we argued and all the stockings left on the floor.

They're still there. Two stockings right where she curled them off by brushing her feet against the carpet.

* * *

_I'm trying to play it cool but the butterflies in my stomach are making me feel nauseous. There she is, standing at the counter as Granny fusses over her order and asks twice if she wants syrup with the pancakes. It used to amaze me how her presence turned even the most hardy people into gibbering wrecks but as I work up the courage to go over, I'm speechless for a different reason. She's absolutely stunning. Even in her mayoral suit and blouse she has the ability to take my breath away and I'm rooted to the spot for a moment as I soak in every inch of her. _

_After a few stern words to myself, I decide to bite the bullet but as I edge nearer I'm struck by doubts. I don't even know if this is what she's into. I mean, we get on, we've settled our differences but it's been more for Henry's sake than anything else. What if she laughs and tells me not to be so ridiculous? What if she hasn't been feeling this too?_

_I'm standing next to her now and the soft, floral notes of her perfume are reaching my nose and making me giddy. Her eyes turn towards mine and we look for a moment, as if into one another's souls. I tell myself it's now or never. _

_'Hi, Regina. I was just wondering if maybe, you know, when you're not busy, you might want to grab something to eat. You know, like, dinner? One day?' Oh God, that was awful. She thinks so too, look at her eyebrows knitted in a mixture of pain and pity. My heart is racing now and I'm just praying she won't make a scene. _

_But she doesn't laugh and she doesn't run away. In fact,__ to my surprise, one side of her mouth moves upwards into a small smile and her deep, chocolate eyes soften as if she's been waiting for me to ask her forever until she takes a deep breath and makes my heart leap with a simple, husky syllable. 'Yes.'_


	2. Chapter 2

She can't be dead. Just hours ago she was calling me from the store to ask what I wanted for dinner. It must have been a dream. She'll be back. She has to be back because she's the only one who can cook and garden and get the stain out of my shirt when I spill spaghetti down it. I take a deep breath to reassure myself. Yes. She'll be back. Any moment now she'll walk through the door and moan at me for throwing my boots off towards the kitchen. Then she'll pull me close and tell me she's missed me today and I'll say "Not as much as I've missed you."

I stumble down the stairs to straighten up before she comes home. I go to move my boots into the shoe cupboard but it would be a shame to take away her ritualistic groaning so I leave them where they are. I don't even remember taking them off. I don't remember how I even got home last night. Still, I fill the coffee machine with water and switch it on because the first person up always makes the coffee. The slow, rhythmic dripping noise is soothing and for a while I watch as the pool of caramel liquid steadily grows. There's an uneasy rumble in my stomach and I open the fridge even though I'm not hungry. There's a dribble of orange juice left and two slices of ham which Regina would have thrown out ages ago but I wouldn't let her. She always rolls her eyes when I take a slice, fold it up and eat it when I get in from work.

Then my eyes land on a clear plastic wallet and the label which says Regina Swan-Mills. It's on the counter top next to the note about the door frames. Inside it is her watch which is ticking away almost deafeningly and the shopping list I scribbled on a crumpled piece of paper. There's one of those free pens from the hotel we stayed at in New York a few weekends ago, the spare button from her jacket and the silver ring from a broken keychain.

It all happens again. My stomach twists and I'm at the hospital, running down the halls and screaming at the nurses to tell me where the mayor is as orderlies and people in scrubs push me back. One of them stumbles over as I force him out of my path but I don't care because all I'm thinking about is my wife and how I have to see her.

Now I'm clutching my chest, gasping for breath and trying to steady myself with the back of a kitchen chair because I'm realising what this plastic wallet contains. These are the things Regina had in her pocket yesterday and that means this _isn't_ all a dream because I was at the hospital and my wife _isn't_ going to walk through the door and say good morning and that she's sorry she fell asleep at the office and thank you for making the coffee and shall we take it up to bed and have a lazy morning together?

We won't be doing anything together anymore and I know that because when I traipse back up the stairs to bury myself in bed and never leave, the woman asleep with her mouth slightly open isn't Regina. It's Ruby.

* * *

_"Wow," I breathe as Regina glides over. She's wearing a short, black dress with a slit up one side and her deep chestnut hair is straightened and shiny. Honestly, she takes my breath away. I can tell she's trying not to look nervous, but the way she's nibbling her bottom lip gives her away. _

_"Hi," I smile and that seems to relax her a little. She sits down and pulls a thin shawl over her tanned shoulders. "Did you manage to get out without telling Henry where you were going?" I ask, softly. _

_"Yes," she replies with a slight smirk, "he was so into his game, he didn't even look up when I said goodbye." Her voice has a softness to it that I've only ever heard when she's talking about our son. _

_"Good." _

_"Are you ashamed to be having dinner with me, Ms Swan?" Regina asks with a wry smile. _

_"No, not at all," I stammer, "I just think we should keep this from him, you know, until we figure out what_ this_ is."_

_ "I know," Regina laughs, "I think that's best." It's a relief to know we are on the same page. _

_God, she really is beautiful. I wonder how we got here, after all the curses and the separations and the nearly-losing-our-son-to-Peter-Pan. _

_"Regina... You look... Amazing." It falls out of my mouth before I can stop it but she blushes and I know she likes it because one corner of her mouth twitches into a shy smile. _

_"Well thank you," she manages to mumble, before returning the compliment. I know she's only doing it because I did, but it doesn't stop the butterflies in my stomach from taking flight again. I feel like we are school kids, unable to take our eyes off each other. It's only when the waiter comes over to take our orders that I manage to look anywhere else. _

_Later, when we have finished eating and our plates have been taken away, I ask. _

_"Regina?" She nods. _

_"Mm?" _

_"Can I ask you something?"_

_"Of course." _

_"What made you say yes? When I asked you to come tonight, I mean." I'm stuttering again and I know it, but this woman has such a hold over me that I can't think straight. _

_"Well," she ponders, as if she's trying to find the right words to explain it. _

_"Truth be told, Ms Swan, I had been thinking about asking you myself." This confession shocks me so much, I don't even mind that she's still calling me Ms Swan. _

_"You were?"_

_"I was," she replies coyly. "I just had a certain sarcastic, determined pirate in the back of my mind." _

_"Hook," I say as I nod knowingly. My feelings for Regina have caught me completely off guard so it doesn't surprise me that she was unaware too. "__Well, I just want to say thank you. You know, for coming. I'm really glad you did." She pauses for a moment and I think she might be inwardly freaking out but once again, the sound of her deep voice and a genuine, full smile puts me at ease. _

_"So am I."_


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N: Thanks for reading and for the kind reviews! Huge thanks to my wonderful friend and beta, FaerieTales4ever :)**

* * *

Henry's been back for three days and seven hours but he doesn't speak. We just sit in silence as people flit in and out. They sit and shift about uncomfortably because they don't know what to say. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't want to hear any voice but hers. Sometimes Henry ventures out of his room and slides his body up next to mine and we sit, staring straight ahead because we've forgotten how to feel. I feel like I should say something to him but I don't know what and every time I think about trying I can't find the right words. I can't find _any_ words.

Ruby offers me a cup of tea but I shake my head and she places it on the coffee table next to the other two I've refused. As if a cup of tea will make any difference. I nibble the cookie she hands me but I can't swallow properly and the dry crumbs get caught in my throat. Later on she tells me she's run me a bath. I want to shout at her for being stupid enough to think that a bath is important but it actually sounds good. I yank off the tank top I've been wearing for days and step out of my yoga pants, into the bath. The scalding water feels like flames licking at every inch of my aching body and yet my hand reaches out to turn on the hot tap. My skin is prickling as it burns layer by layer but at least I'm finally feeling something.

I get out and perch on the toilet seat with a towel around my shoulders. Regina used to say I looked like a little kid at the beach, with my wet hair and chattering teeth. I turn and face myself in the foggy mirror but I don't recognise the stranger staring back at me. She has dark circles under her eyes and damp hair hanging limp and lifeless on either side of her face. My hand traces softly over Regina's things on the shelf below the mirror. Bottles of this and that, and a purple silk make-up bag. I spray her perfume, just once, and let the scent wash around me like pixie dust but I swat it away again when I change my mind. I don't want to smell it if it isn't on her.

Now I'm angry. How could she be so stupid? Did she even stop for a moment to think about Henry when she jumped out to push Pinocchio aside? And what the hell was Geppetto doing, letting his son walk out from between the parked cars? It only takes a second for the red mist to rise up over my eyes and before I realise what I'm doing, my hand jerks up and smashes into the mirror. In slow motion, cracks splinter their way out from the centre and small pieces of glass fall out and onto the shelf. My knuckles burn as though a thousand tiny needles are pricking my skin, and I look down to see a trail of blood oozing down the side of my hand. I stagger backwards, until my back hits the wall behind, and slide slowly down to the floor, clutching my throbbing hand. Hot, angry tears are streaming down my face as I scream the one thing that, right this minute, I'd say to my wife if I could. "How could you do this to me?"

* * *

_"Gina?" I call as I kick off my boots and poke my head into the living room. "You home?"_

_"I'm up here!" The tone of her voice can make my knees melt even with a floor between us. I reach the landing and follow the clattering sounds of plastic on marble until I find Regina who is standing in front of the mirror applying eyeliner. She pauses to let me kiss her and then continues as I perch on the edge of the bathtub. Even just putting on her makeup she's breathtaking. The navy pencil skirt clings tightly to her hips and she's wearing a blouse that hugs her curves perfectly. Her body arches slightly as she leans towards the mirror for a closer look._

_"How was work?" she asks, genuinely interested; although the only thing I'm genuinely interested in right now is getting into bed.  
"Long. I hate night shifts."  
"I know." Her voice is soft and sympathetic. "But you can sleep all day and then when I get home later, we can get ready to head out to Ella and Thomas' engagement party." I heave myself up to standing and wrap my arms around Regina from behind, resting my chin on her shoulder. She puts the lid on her eyeliner pencil and places it back inside her purple make-up bag. We spend a moment just looking at each other. One of us has just finished work and the other is just starting. One of us blonde, the other a deep brunette. One a 'Saviour', one an 'Evil Queen.' Two complete polar opposites and yet a perfect pair._

_"You know, this engagement party has made me think," I begin, testing the water. She tilts her head to the side to rest it against mine.  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah," I say, with more confidence this time and a nod of my head just for good measure. "I mean, maybe... Well, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it?" Regina's forehead wrinkles slightly and she looks at my reflection in the mirror as if I'm speaking in another language.  
"What wouldn't, my dear?"  
"Getting married."  
"Is this your idea of a proposal, Emma? I must say, I had envisioned it rather differently," she says disapprovingly but her lips twitch up into a smirk so I know she's joking. I decide to play along. I sink to my knee and look up at her face which morphs from amused to surprised in under a second. I'm trying to figure out if she wants me to stop but she doesn't give any hints that she does so I carry on.  
"Regina Mills, I love you with all my heart," I begin and her eyes are glistening now that she knows what's coming next, "and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you please do me the honour of becoming my wife?"_

_She stands there in stunned silence and for a split second I start to think she might turn down the offer, until a soft sob escapes her lips and she launches herself at me, pulling me in so tightly I can't breathe. I'm glad of it because it gives me a chance to dab at the tears that are threatening to cascade down my own cheeks.  
"Yes, of course I will marry you," Regina gasps, wiping frantically at her face in an attempt to control her emotions. Suddenly I realise that this spur-of-the-moment proposal lacks one very important thing. A ring. Thinking fast, I lift the necklace from around my neck and hold it by the circular, silver pendant.  
"I know it's not a proper ring, but just so I've got a symbol to put on your finger now..." I waffle but Regina is already sliding her slender finger through it and grinning from ear to ear.  
"I love you," she purrs and she brushes her soft, full lips across mine, teasing until our mouths finally lock together and she kisses me like she's never kissed me before. After a few minutes, I pull away and she looks at me with concern.  
"We'd better not tell anyone yet, especially tonight," I suggest, "we don't want to steal Ella and Thomas' thunder."  
"Absolutely," she agrees, throatily, nuzzling the top of her nose against mine, "it will be our little secret."_


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N: Thank you once again to my fabulous friend and beta, FaerieTales4ever and to each and every one of you for reading. **

* * *

Sometimes when I wake up, I don't open my eyes. I just lie there and pretend she's beside me, and then I make up a conversation we might have had. The kind of conversation we had every morning, about who would make Henry breakfast and what time I would be home from work. With my eyes still squeezed shut, I can remember every single tiny thing about her. The contrast of her tanned skin against pure white sheets and the gentle touch of her lips on mine as she wished me a wordless good morning. If I try really hard, I can even feel the warmth of her fingers in mine. Then we're interrupted because the phone rings or I hear Henry creaking down the stairs and I don't want him to be alone.

He's angry today. When I ask if he wants eggs or pancakes he says he doesn't want either, so I ask what he does want. He yells that he doesn't want anything and that I'm useless at making pancakes anyway. He sobs that he wants Regina's pancakes but I know he doesn't care about his breakfast. He just wants Regina. So we collapse in a heap on the kitchen floor; a tangle of arms and legs and tears that feel as though they'll never stop.

Later on, when Henry is asleep on the couch, I lift Regina's silk scarf down from the coat hook and twirl it through my fingers. It's light and silky and fragile, just like the part of her that only Henry and I knew. The tender woman beneath the mask. After a few minutes I have to put it back because I'm scared the material will stop smelling of her and start smelling of me. Then I move my pile of clean clothes off the arm of the couch. Regina always hated that I put them there instead of just taking them upstairs. Henry stirs so I sit next to him with my hand resting on his leg. It's like I'm trying to transfer the shred of strength I have left, into him. I can tell it comforts him because he doesn't immediately get up and leave like he does so often now. People keep telling me that Henry should speak to Archie but he doesn't want to so I haven't made him. I wouldn't want to speak to Archie either.

After Henry goes back to his room, I sit in the warm spot he leaves on the couch and close my eyes. "I won't leave my clothes in a heap on the chair," I promise. The words come out of my mouth although I don't mean them to. I take a pen and frantically scribble on the back of an envelope that's been left on the coffee table.

1. I won't leave my clothes in a heap on the chair.  
2. I will never cut you short on the phone when I'm at work.  
3. I won't forget to put sugar in your coffee.  
4. I'll tell you I love you every minute of every hour of every day.

My chin is quivering and I bite the top of the pen to try and stop it. The truth is, I don't even know why I'm writing this down because there are infinite things I would do if I could have Regina back for even a minute. My breath shudders and I try to retain what little control I have left but it doesn't work. Angrily, I cross out what I've already written and start again. D

1. I'd do anything.

I underline that last word. If she's watching, I want her to know I mean it.

* * *

_"I've been thinking," Regina begins as she slowly but meticulously stirs her homemade tomato sauce.  
"Oh?"  
"Well, I was just wondering... Are you happy here?" She lays the spoon across the top of the pan and turns so the small of her back is against the counter. I make a mental note to remind her later how sexy she is in her work clothes.  
"What do you mean?" I'm confused, "of course I'm happy." Regina makes a thoughtful humming sound as she turns back to the scarlet sauce and I cross the kitchen to stand next to her. "Regina, are you not happy?"_

_Finally she tears her eyes off the pan and meets mine. "Of course, yes. I've never been so happy in my life. I just meant that maybe we could be happy somewhere else." Her voice is shaking slightly so I take her cheeks in my palms and search her face for the real meaning behind what she's saying. Eventually she sighs and continues. "I just thought, since we're getting married, maybe we should find a new place."_

_My hands drop from her face in shock. "But you love this house?"  
"No. I don't. It reminds me of who I was before; Regina the unfeeling, broken mayor. I want to be Regina the happy, loving wife and mother and I don't feel like I can do that here." I still don't think she realises that I would move heaven and earth to be with her.  
"Regina, you're going to be my wife. We can do whatever makes you happy. I don't care if I live in a cave so long as I have you to wake up to."_

_She sighs deeply, as if holding in that secret was physically weighing her down. Now her perfect lips twitch into a relieved smile and she leans forward, wrapping her arms around my waist. I press my nose into the curve of her neck and breathe her in. I feel the vibration of her voice when she next speaks.  
"I love you, Emma."  
I smile, remembering how long it took for her to call me by that name.  
"I love you too."_


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N: Sorry it's taken a while my lovelies, life has been a bit crazy. Not bad crazy, just busy crazy :) Still, I have a week and a half off from work now so there is certainly time to write another chapter very soon. I love you for reading this and love you reviewers even more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. **

* * *

People tell me to sort Regina's things. They want me to pick through her clothes and throw them out or give them away. Pieces of my wife that they want me to toss aside like they don't matter. No. Everything is staying the same. When Henry is at school I crouch inside Regina's wardrobe and close the doors so I can't see anything or hear anything or feel anything except the gaping chasm that is my empty heart. Her clothes hang around me and their faintest touch makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end.

Sometimes I crawl in and by the time I venture out, the whole day is gone but I don't care. There's no point in doing anything anymore. No reason to get dressed, no reason to speak, to eat, to sleep. They say the only certainty in life is death and all I have to do is wait for my turn now.

Everybody still thinks I should see Archie. I snarled at Ruby that there's no point. I don't want to talk about how empty our house is now and I don't want to have to deal with how I feel because I don't want to feel anything. That's what the whiskey does. Smooth, swirling nectar that burns the back of my throat until it's numb - the one thing that puts me in a world halfway between mine and Regina's. A hazy world where I can feel her breath on my face and taste her lips on mine. I tell her it isn't long until we will be together once more. In the morning I regret it, when a million drums are pounding inside my head so I crawl into the wardrobe and the whole sinister cycle starts again. Each day feeling like a year and yet each moment edging closer to our reunion.

Henry is good at pretending. He goes to school and tells me about it in front of everyone as they nudge each other as if to say _what a brave kid_. But he isn't. When they finally go home he withers until he's just like me and we lie on Regina's side of the bed, trying to remember to breathe. If I close my eyes and he thinks I'm asleep, he runs his fingers over my wedding ring; up and down, up and down, up and down. Maybe he's remembering the day he watched Regina slide it on or maybe he just wants to echo her touch.

I have to stop my brain in its tracks when it wanders off without my permission. There are things I didn't even know I'd imagined in my head, that are going to be different now. Henry's wedding won't be right. The garden will never be finished. We won't grow old in each other's arms. She's just a silhouette now, in the snapshots of my mind. In our house, she's the presence that can't be seen. And yet she will never leave because this is where we all belong. Even if we're not whole anymore, but tiny fragments of broken people whose lives have been crushed by one little boy and one car.

* * *

_"Welcome home Mrs. Swan-Mills," I grunt as I manoeuvre her over the threshold of the mansion. "I'm sorry it's not the new house we hoped for but we can keep looking." Regina's grip around my neck tightens and she nuzzles her nose into mine. _

_"I don't care where we are right now," she purrs, "as long as I'm with my wife." That last word plays beautifully on her lips and she smiles with a contented sigh. God, she's perfect. _

_I struggle between the folds of champagne fabric and set her down upright before getting my foot caught in her train and falling against the wall. She laughs that infectious laugh and we slide to the floor in a giggling heap as she plants kisses down my neck and across my shoulder. _

_"That... Was... The... Most... Perfect... Day," she whispers, pecking softly at my skin in between. Her happiness radiates in waves of heat and wafts of sweet perfume. _

_"I'm glad we finally did it," I agree and link my fingers with hers, admiring the silver bands that now serve as outward symbols of our deepest love. "We're finally a family. You, me and Henry." There's a lump in my throat and I blink hard, to hold back the tears that are forming. _

_"My dear, we have always been a family. It just took us a little while longer to find each other. We can't all be your parents," she adds with a playful smirk. _

_I grin and twist my new ring around my finger, getting used to the feel of it and when I look down, I see Regina is doing the same. _

_"I love you," I murmur into her hair. She turns her head to face me and her chocolate brown eyes use my emerald ones as a gateway, as if she's looking into my core. Her reply comes in the form of a teasing brush of her lips against mine. _

_Then she tilts her head down to rest on my shoulder and I wonder if there is anything in the world more comforting than knowing there's someone who completes me. If I had known all those years ago that it would end up like this, that there would be this happy ending in store, things would have been very different. And as I sit on the night of my wedding, tenderly tracing circles over my wife's forearm with the tips of my fingers, I make my second vow of the day. This time it's a promise to myself because at long last, this beautiful woman beside me has made it so easy. Be happy._


	6. Chapter 6

Some mornings I manage to drag myself downstairs but this isn't one of them. I can't even roll over because my body feels like it's made of lead and won't do what I ask it to. It's cold but I don't bother pulling up the covers. I'm always cold now. It's like Regina was my fire and I can't get warm without her. I wonder whether I'm going to be able to do anything without her because life doesn't seem to have a purpose anymore.

Henry thinks so too. I'm starting to think he'd be better off without me and I'm sure he would agree. I'm not a wife anymore, not a mother, not even human. Just an empty shell that makes it from one day to the next by floating on a sea of pain and regret and anger.

Suddenly I can't breathe. It's like all the air has been sucked from the room and I bolt upright, beginning to gasp. My fists are grasping handfuls of blanket so tightly that my knuckles turn white. Then, as quickly as it began and after a few shuddering gulps, it stops. I lie back down and stare at the ceiling, hands still trembling. The distant chink of metal against china announces that Henry is awake. He's still ploughing on with everyday life with a strength I have not yet discovered.

There's a knock, then hushed voices and the muffled slam of the front door. David insists on walking Henry to school and back now. There's a twinge of comfort in knowing that Henry has a network of support around him, and I use it to quell the thoughts that flood my mind. Maybe then, if I close my eyes, I can drift off somewhere and pretend that this reality no longer exists.

Later, I find myself on the damp sand of the beach with no recollection of getting there. That happens a lot nowadays. The salty air burns my lungs and a strong wind is blowing out to sea, pulling my hair with it. I tug my jacket tighter around my shoulders and rearrange my arms so they're crossed tightly over my stomach. At least it's quiet here.

After a while, Dr. Whale runs past dressed in black track pants and a blue t-shirt. He couldn't look more different without the white coat. He glances over with an expression shared by every resident of Storybrooke who looks in my direction; a mixture of sympathy and shock, as though I shouldn't be out in public. At least he doesn't come over. I don't think I can handle one more person asking how I'm coping or telling me she is missed and that there's a hole in the town now that she's gone. There's no void vaster than the ones left in my heart and Henry's.

There's something so wonderfully infinite about the ocean. Before I realise it, I've been sitting for almost four hours just watching the waves roll rhythmically onto the shore. Each soft crash is like a sigh from the universe, and echoes the constant heave of my sighing soul.

* * *

_"__Henry, come and eat!" Regina calls as she pulls three neatly wrapped sandwiches from the cooler beside her. She has a thin scarf draped across her shoulders to protect them from the scorching sun, and sunglasses resting on her head as she scans the parcels to see which sandwich is his._

_Henry, who has been jumping over the waves in the shallows for the past half an hour, trudges back across the hot sand towards us with a wide grin on his face._

_"__Hey, water-baby," I tease and he stands above me shaking his head so droplets of water sprinkle everywhere. Then he sits down, legs crossed, and impatiently peels back the paper before devouring his sandwich._

_"__Woah, Henry, slow down!" Regina chides, handing mine over but before we have even begun to tuck in, Henry is finished._

_"__Can I keep playing mom?" he asks, although he's already backing away in case she decides he needs to let his food go down. Just as Regina draws a breath to speak, he wins her over with a, "Pleeeease?" and she releases it with a smile._

_"__How is it," Regina begins, "that you both know how to manipulate me into getting exactly what you want?"_

_I smile, squinting out at the shimmering sea and the pale, skinny boy who is jumping about like a firecracker. "Like mother, like son," I reply and I can feel her eyes boring into the side of my head. After a few seconds I give in to temptation and return her gaze. In the bright sunlight her dark brown eyes are glistening almost orange and tiny wisps of her hair are dancing in a breeze that is barely there. _

_"__You're beautiful," I gush, before I can stop myself. Regina smiles and turns back towards the ocean with a faraway look and for a moment I wonder if she's finally going to let me pay her a compliment without feeling she has to return it. _

_Instead, eyes still on the horizon, she says, "Only because I'm in love."_

_She moves down on the blanket and spins around so she can lay her head on my thighs and her legs stick out at ninety degrees from mine. I plant a tender kiss on her forehead and my fingers instinctively begin to tuck a strand of hair behind her left ear. Her eyes close lazily as I continue to run my fingers through the silky locks of deepest brunette._

_"__Hey, I meant to tell you," I suddenly remember, "David found a beautiful looking place for sale on the edge of town. I thought we might want to go and take a look tomorrow. It has a huge garden, three bedrooms and," I know this is what will tempt her, "a beautiful kitchen with a breakfast bar. I looked at the photos this morning." _

_She opens one eye suspiciously. "Are there any apple trees?" she asks in mock seriousness._

_"__None," I grin._

_"__In that case, I'll take tomorrow afternoon off," smiles Regina and she closes her eyes once more, dozing off to the gentle whoosh of foam upon the sand. _


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N: Gosh, it's been a while, hasn't it? Apologies, wonderful readers, that it has taken a shamefully long time to update. I had to bin three chapters because I became inconsolable writing them! I hope you are still with me and haven't grown tired of this useless wannabe author and her lack of updates! I thank you profusely if you're reading this! Shout out once again to my fabulous beta, FaerieTales4ever :) There will be another two chapters to this story and then I will wrap it up. I promise not to leave it so long next time!**

* * *

"Delivery for a Regina Swan-Mills?"  
The man is unshaven and wearing grubby shorts that come just below his knees. I flinch at the way Regina's name sounds on his weathered lips, and clear my throat.  
I mutter that she's not here and reach out to take the pencil he's just pulled from behind his ear.

"Sorry ma'am," he says, sliding it back. "Mrs. Mills gave me strict instructions to deliver to her only. I'll come back later."

He turns on his heel and begins to walk away but I shout after him. "It's Swan-Mills," I yell and he spins back to face me, shocked. "And there's no point coming back later because she won't be here so you might as well let me sign for it!"

The man's eyebrows are knitted in confusion as he looks down at his paperwork and then back up at me. For a moment I think he's going to give in and hand me the papers but then he takes a breath and changes his mind.  
"Look lady, Mrs. Swan-Mills," he harshly emphasises, "made me swear I wouldn't deliver these to anyone but her. This is the address she listed. Does she live here?"

"Yes. No. Yes. I mean..." My brain can't keep up with my mouth and I stutter uncomfortably until I have to tell someone for the first time. "She's dead."

Suddenly I don't feel like accepting whatever it is he's trying to deliver so I slam the door hard and then back up against it, gasping for breath. Is this what it's going to be like from now on? I slide down the door with my head in my hands and wonder how many other situations like this there are going to be. My eyes dart about, realising that Regina is all around me. Her jacket on the hook above, her boots on the shoe rack, her handwriting on the notepad by the phone in the hall. She's everywhere and nowhere. My head is spinning and without any warning, the contents of my stomach are suddenly splattering across the wooden floor in front of me.

It takes over an hour to convince Mary Margaret that I'm not seriously sick after she comes through the door to pick up Henry. She cleans up every last smear before leading me upstairs and helping me, fully clothed, into the bath. She runs the water and it's a little cold but it doesn't matter. She swirls in some bubble bath and we watch the foam rise, me sitting bolt upright because the feeling of the water soaking through my clothes is foreign. She takes my hand and uses it to scoop up water, trickling it down my arm. Her touch is light and gentle as she rubs my skin, a mother bathing her child.

Later, when I've dressed myself and made it downstairs to the couch, she pulls a blanket from under the coffee table and spreads it over me. I know she thinks it's kindness but it feels like a cage and I have to bring my arms out and over the top to keep from screaming. Everyone flutters about like insects, moving things and putting plates of food in front of me because apparently it isn't normal to scream at delivery guys and vomit all over the hall when someone dies. What is normal? I don't think I can remember what it feels like anymore.

* * *

_Watching Regina dance about, leaving footprints in the damp earth is a bit like watching a young child on Christmas morning. She practically skips from one part of the garden to another, gesticulating wildly and talking so fast I can't understand what she's saying. It's beautiful. She's beautiful._

_"Ok, Gina, you do know that I have absolutely no idea what you're going on about, right?" I laugh. "You're the one with the green fingers, not me!"_

_She beams across at me, genuine happiness exuding from every pore. "Come on," she says, rolling her eyes and then she grabs my hand and drags me down to an area of tall grass. She's harping on about something to do with roses but I'm only concentrating on her arms which are waving about in a blur and, just when I think she's finished, she starts on about some other type of plant I can't pronounce. _

_"This all sounds... great!" I smile in an attempt to cover up the fact I haven't been taking it all in but she sees right through me. _

_"Oh really?" she purrs with a wry smile, "so, what do you think of the Peregrine idea?"_

_"Uh... Right, the Peregrine idea..." I trail off. Busted. Regina feigns annoyance and huffs. _

_"Peaches, dear. I think we're done with apples, don't you?" she says with a wink._

_She slides her sunglasses up onto her head and squints at me in the evening sun that is piercing through the gap between our house and next door's. Her lilac silk blouse shimmers and there's a shine to her hair that I've never been able to replicate. Before I realise what I'm doing, I've grabbed her by the hips and pulled her in, my lips crashing onto hers and staying there. After the initial shock, a hand comes up to cup my jaw and the other reaches round to the small of my back. She smells of fresh air and the faintest trace of her perfume which still lingers even after a day at work, and as she pulls me even closer, her tongue finds new ways of exploring my eager mouth._

_When she pulls away, the glint in her eye signals a plan which I can almost see swirling about inside her head._

_"Okay, how about this..." she begins, the tip of her nose barely touching mine, "since gardening really isn't your thing, how about I keep it a surprise? I'll work on it and then when it's ready, we'll have a garden party to celebrate? Sort of like a housewarming party, too."_

_"I think... that... sounds... perfect," I reply, planting kisses on those perfect lips. "You sort the garden, I'll sort the food."_

_Later that evening, Regina is sitting in her favourite chair with her knees pulled up to her chest and scribbling furiously in a leather bound notebook. Every now and then, she looks at me with one eyebrow raised as if she's had a particularly impressive idea and wants to intrigue me. Truth be told, it's working and I'm starting to wish I'd taken more of an interest. Regina takes in a sudden breath as her newest stroke of genius hits, and she once again attacks the page with the sharp end of her pencil._

_A while later, she comes in from the kitchen after a hushed phone conversation and strides across to the wall calendar we have hung unceremoniously from a bent nail that was sticking out of the wall when we moved in. Using her finger, the counts out six weeks and then three extra days before looking at me, grinning widely and then, in thin, swirly letters writing three words: Surprise gets delivered._


End file.
